been thinking...

before i had a smart phone, i used to grab my laptop and write random stuff....like this blog. now i play scrabble and angry birds...check facebook like it's going out of style...

i'm thinking that i'm just about done with it. i think i'd like to go back to the days of writing..in fact i wanna go back as far as a pencil and a nice composition book. but then...who'd read my stuff!? well probably the same amount of people who read any of my stuff... no one. so there's not much loss....and i could always just copy stuff on here or on my other blog...or other other blog....or my super old blog.... geez...i think it's time to downsize all this writing into...what?

oh well...time to scrounge around for a pencil and a notebook.

the question mark

there's a question mark at the end of this blog's title. i put it there because i'm never sure if what i write is really anything at all. i think that question mark is representative of my fear of failure. i have been able to do well in most things that i put my mind to accomplish. i don't need perfection but i do need to feel successful. and i figure that if i don't know if i can do something well enough to succeed then i won't really do it and therefore won't fail at it.

that's so lame. how very cowardly. but....

lately, success has been hiding from me. i feel like a big fat failure. i feel like everything i put my mind to, create ideas for, have big plans in mind for, hope for, dream about....just plops.

flat.

splat.

so now what? do i "try and try again" or do i get off the dead horse? and how do you know when the horse is dead or only mostly dead??

sigh.

i'm afraid to pursue being a writer with a period at the end instead of a question mark. i'm afraid i'll fail at the one thing...the one very thing i most want to be....besides a world traveler of course.

what if i fail miserably and find out that i really suck and that no one really does want to read what i write? where will that leave me? who will i be? is there another dream inside of me to replace it?

i don't know. but i do know that this dream has been inside of me since i was a child and now that i'm 28 years old i find myself asking "how long am i going to wait?".........how long?

until i'm not afraid to fail anymore? failing hurts. it's really disappointing and embarrassing and even if you fail because of things that are totally out of your control it doesn't matter....you still fail.

can i be happy without success? i don't know.

i do know this. God has not called me to succeed, no matter how much i want to but He has called me to obey....this is encouraging. but has he instructed me to write or is this just something that i wanna do just because? why do i even want to write to begin with?

there's the real question.

so, am i

"a writer?"

or

"a writer."

?

reach

watching lord of the rings the other day, sam and frodo are at the edge of the cliff and frodo has just fallen and is barely hanging to the rocky edge...sam is yelling to him to give him his hand so he can pull him up but frodo is exhausted, has lost the ring, has been through extreme hardship and is so hopeless that he can't seem to muster the strength to reach out and fight for his own life. It doesn't seem worth it anymore...the lava and fire below seem easier....easier to let himself fall and be done with everything.

but sam keeps calling to him...don't let go!.....give me your hand!.....and with tears in his eyes he yells to frodo, REACH! and frodo finally looks into the face of his true friend, the one who has been there through it all, has helped him, saved him from danger, risked everything for him because he simply loves him and frodo finds hope in sam's eyes. frodo stops looking down at the easy way out and looks up....and he reaches up with all that he has left inside of him and sam is there and grasps his hand and pulls him up.
*****

The Lord is calling to us to reach out and take his hand...to risk the fall and trust that he will be there to pull us up over that cliff to safety. He calls to us to give us hope that all is not lost, that better days are ahead and that we can go on. He yells to us to not let go, to keep fighting, to gather our strength and face the new day.

and we can because it is HE who calls to us. it is HE who has been there all along, helping us, carrying us, saving us, fighting for us!

we can because it isn't about trusting ourselves, relying on our own strength to get us through...

it's about trusting Him and we can do that...

because He is reaching out to us

waiting for us to reach out to Him.

tangible

i'd like to own a typewriter. i'd like to see the actual physical, tangible words appear right in front of me on a crisp clean piece of paper instead of a screen...but it would have to be a vintage typewriter in order to have just the right affect and inspiration i'm seeking. :)

the reason? I like to have tangible evidence of my accomplishments no matter how small they are. i can point to something and say "this is what i did today"....i cleaned this, i baked this, i sent these emails, made these scarves, taught my kids this, updated this website, made these plans.......and when I look back on my day and can't point to something tangible..it messes with me. It makes me feel useless, my self esteem is somehow all tied up in the act of "doing" things. i don't think this is how it's supposed to be. okay i know deep down inside that this is definitely not how it's supposed to be. however, i don't know how to be any other type of person but the one i am...the one i've become, the one i'm comfortable with. i am task oriented....i am comfortable with that.

enter: bed rest. I have seven more weeks of "don't do anything!" stretched out before me and although I don't think the baby will wait that long to come out, I still have to consider the possibility. last week was hard but I was in the hospital so I couldn't really do much if I wanted to, but this week, at home, amid all the things to do and people to care for and events to plan and shopping that needs to be done....I find myself lost.

my self esteem is dropping at record speed. my purpose is no longer "to do" but "to not do"....my sister bought me a book Tuesdays with Morrie. Morrie has some perspective for me...he says "the most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love and to let it come in" for me..giving love has always been giving something tangible....a gift, a meal, an act of service, a clean house, planning or making something special..."doing" something for those I love. but now that I am forced to "not do"....I find myself wondering how I can give out love.

I do recognize that in the grand scheme of things, these few short weeks of my life are going to play a vital role in who I end up becoming for the rest of my life. God is teaching me something through this and I want to learn it......I want to know who I am without relying on my accomplishments to tell me.

He's telling me....

quietly for now.....telling me that there's more that He wants me to know about who He created me to truly be. I trust He'll help me find the answers I am looking for. He always has. He always will....because He knows how to give me love...I just have to let it come in........