no title yet...any suggestions?

the decision

should she tell him? what will he say? how could she have let this happen? why did he have to smell so good?

"he'll think you're pressuring him. he'll think you did this on purpose."

sofie pulled herself up from the bathroom floor and tried to compose herself. she looked at her swollen face and red eyes and immediately burst into another fit of tears. how could she take care of a baby when she couldn't even take care of herself?

"if only he didn't smell so good everything would be different right now. i'm not ready for this... maybe he won't even have to know. maybe i can...."

sofie couldn't even finish the thought in her head. that was the last thing she wanted to do and she knew it. it wouldn't fix anything, not really. it would only add another layer to the guilt and shame she already felt. sofie knew that she would have to go through with this whether she wanted to or not. strengthened by her decision, sofie once again looked herself in the mirror, smoothed her wild hair back with her palms and splashed some cold water on her face. she caught a glimpse of the pregnancy test laying on the floor where she had left it when she reached for a hand towel.

"this is for real. the plus sign is still there. i'm going to do this. that's all the decision making i need to make for today."

taking a deep breath and picking up the small blue stick in her hand, sofie walked out of her bathroom and into her new life.

the lie

"sofie? are you okay? you don't look very good?"

"nice, jay. that's a nice thing to say to a pregnant woman whose just puked her guts out for the fourth time today. what do you expect? you want me to keep my lipstick on during my hurling parties?" sofie shot him a quick reply and an evil glance.

"sorry, sweetie. i've never known a pregnant lady before. and i've certainly never worked with one in this business. i think you're crazy for staying, you know that right?"

"yes, jay i know that but it's not like i'm growing money inside of me. it's a baby and babies cost a lot. i have to stay. try to be a little more understanding, allright? now give me my high heels and coffee. we have work to do"

jay helped sofie slide into her heels and handed her the mocha he had picked up for her on his way in. sofie always ordered the same drink, except now it was decaf.

sofie took a sip of her mocha and swore that she could taste the difference between decaf and "the good stuff" as she called it. well, nothing she can do about that now. People were waiting and she was glad to have some distraction from her current state of mind.

"just focus on your work. the nausea will go away and you'll feel better once you're up and moving about. focus, sofie, you need this account."

"good morning, mr. pierce, mr. shore, and mrs. kline. it' so good to finally meet you in person. i'm really looking forward to showing you my designs and getting you exactly what you need."

mrs. kline was the first to notice something wrong with sofie. perhaps it was because she was a woman or simply more perceptive but she began to feel uneasy about walking through the empty warehouse with sofie looking so pale and sick. the poor girl could barely keep herself upright and her assistant jay kept holding her arm as if he was propping her up.

"sofie, perhaps we should sit down over at the conference table in the front. you don't look well, dear. is everything all right?"

"oh! yes, things are perfectly fine. i had a touch of the flu this weekend, that's all. I really want to show you how all the different aspects of my design will work in this space. please, let's continue.
sofie walked away without waiting for a reply and tried to add a little more gusto in her voice and sharpness to her eyes. jay rolled his eyes at her and tried to shoot her a quick "evil eye" but she was purposely avoiding him and his devilish glances.

"why are you lying to these people? if you land this account, they are going to find out eventually when you walk in one day with a basketball under your shirt. just tell them the truth. laugh it off and tell them you feel exhausted and that all you want to do is curl up right here on the cold concrete to take a nap. tell them, sofie! they are church deacons for goodness, sake! tell them!"

sofie quickly turned around to face the three church members and her assitant. they all stopped in their tracks, eyes focused on sofie and wondering what the cause of her abrupt stop could be. sofie smiled and took a deep breath before she began...

"and this is where the pulpit will be," she said dramatically as she swept her hand out in a flowing gesture as if blessing the imaginary congregation that sat enraptured before her.

the foursome slowly turned as if trying to see whatever it was that sofie was so passionate about. and they did.

"sofie. you have the job!" mr. pierce declared as mr. shore and mrs. kline dabbed at the wetness that had pooled on the corners of their eyes. such a moving presentation. such a delightful girl.

the truth

sofie fell into her bed that night. she didn't bother getting undressed. what was the point? she would be awake in a few hours to pee anways. she would change then. right now she needed to sleep as hard and as fast as she could.

two hours later sofie emerged from the bathroom cursing the hamburger she had scarfed for dinner. it was a thick, juicy burger with all the fixings, except tomato, because she couldn't stand the taste of them anymore. she had devoured it like a starving lioness and only stopped to lick her chops once the entire thing was gone. now she regretting every bite. sofie crawled into her bed, still fully dressed and tried to will her stomach to calm down. Abruptly the phone next to her bed rang and she moaned at the sound of it.

"who in the world is calling me now? go away!"

ring! ring! ring!

this person was persistant, that was for sure. sofie slowly reached for the receiver and swallowed before she answered.

"hello?"

"love seat! how are ya, baby!?"

"oh no! why did i pick up?"

"don't call me that, ethan. you know i hate it."

"aw, sofie. don't get mad. don't ya miss me?"

"um, i guess so...where are you?"

"i'm in spain! can you believe it! oh man, sofie, did i wake you? i'm really bad at this whole time zone thing. sorry."

"um, no. i was awake."
I was surrendering my dinner to the toilet because your baby apparently doesn't like beef!

"really? what time is it over there?"

"about 1am"

"oh...are you feeling allright? can't sleep without me?" ethan teased.

"well, actually, ethan there is something that i need to tell you, sweetie." sofie couldn't believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. how could she tell him now? on the phone? while he was in spain!?

"great! there's something i need to tell you too! i'm coming home, love seat! the job is just about done here and then i'm back in good ol' texas with you by the end of the month! and the boss man tells me that i'll be home for at least a year before heading back out to check up on all the progress going on." ethan spurted out excitedly. "what d'ya think?"

"you're coming home?" sofie suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to cry, sob actually. she tried to swallow the lump in her throat but it was too late. the hormonal flood gates had opened and she was powerless against them. he's coming home, he's coming home.

"sofie? are you okay, sweetie?" ethan asked again with growing uncertainty in his voice.

"yes. i've just been a little stressed out lately. i'm so glad to hear that you're finally coming home. these past two months have been....wierd." sofie ended abruptly.

"well i've missed you too, sofie. but i'm coming home soon, okay? everything will get back to normal, don't worry." ethan naively reassured her.

dear god, i only wish for normal! ethan is going to flip out if i tell him now. he things things are going to be normal...he has no idea what our normal is going to turn out to be.

"listen, i'll let you get back to sleep okay? you sound really tired and it sounds like you could use some rest. sorry again for calling so late...i'll try to do better next time, okay?" ethan said.

"sure, okay. i'll talk with you soon. i love you." sofie answered, relieved the conversation was ending.

"i love you too. sweet dreams." ethan said. "oh, sofie...you said you had something to tell me. what was it?"

"i got the account. the one for Faith Community. i'm going to be designing their new church from top to bottom, beginning to end." sofie quickly answered.

"that's great, love seat! i'm so proud of you! that's huge! well we are just full of good news today, aren't we?"

"we're full of it" sofie replied.

"talk to you soon, bye" ethan ended their conversation just in time. sofie found herself lost in thought about the "good news" that she didn't share with her husband of five years.

what are we going to do? he said that kids weren't even something he was thinking about. we had that huge argument before he left and we agreed to forget about the subject and let it happen on it's own. well, ethan, here i am two months pregnant and you're thinking that things are going to be normal when you get home. you'll think i deceived you or something. you'll think that us making up before you left was planned. what are we going to do?

sofie let the tears and thoughts flow freely now and it felt so good to just let everything out. the tears didn't change her situation of course but they somehow freed her from the worry and pressure of the burden she had been carrying. at least for now.

sofie drifted off to sleep sending little prayers to God to take care of the "good news" she was carrying and to soften ethan's heart over the next month.

she slept sound through the night and woke fully dressed feeling like a breath of fresh air had blown over her. she would start telling the truth now.

grandmother and grandfather

on saturday, sofie got into her car and drove straight to her parents house thirty minutes away. she had called her mom earlier in the week and made plans to meet them for brunch and some shopping. sofie planned to tell them about her little surprise sometime during their time together. she only slighty hesitated when she thought about how ethan wouldn't be the first or even second person to know about the baby, but he was away and she refused to tell him over the phone. besides, she needed the practice telling as many people as she could before he came home. she wanted to be prepared.

sofie pulled into her parents driveway of their beach house and sat for a few seconds remembering all the times she had walked up to that front door. her parents had lived in the same house for as long as she could remember. they have a picture proudly displayed on the mantle of sofie's first day of kindergarten standing in front of the house with her sack lunch in one hand and waving at the camera with the other. there are other pictures too. a junior high band concert with her at the front door pretending to play her clarinet. senior prom with her sequin dress and out of date hair style. graduation day with her cap and gown. the day she went to college. the day she got married. sofie wondered if they would want to take a picture of her standing in front of the door today after she told them her news. sofie with one hand on her barely showing stomach and one hand over her mouth pretending to hold back the nausea. she halfway smiled at that thought and got out of her car to meet her parents.

"may i take your order, maam?" the waiter asked for the third time.

sofie could not make a decision. everything sounded good at first but then the thought of food would make her queasy and she would change her mind. the waiter was being less than patient with her.

"sofie, please make a decision. get a hamburger." her dad suggested.

a hamburger. gross. sofie thought of the burger that she had the week before and the havok it had wreaked on her.

"no thanks. i think i'll just have a salad, with italian dressing on the side" sofie quickly decided

"great choice. a salad." the waiter responded dryly

"sofie, you never have trouble deciding what to eat. you're always so famished!" her mother leaned forward over the table and looked in her eyes. "is everything okay? you don't seem yourself." she nearly whispered

“oh marie. Leave the girl alone, she’s just having trouble deciding what to eat. How can you read into that?” sofie’s dad rolled his eyes and grabbed for another slice of complimentary bread.

but sofie knew her mother had seen something in her eyes. she always could look into sofie's eyes and know whether something was wrong. this gift had annoyed sofie as a teenager but now it almost relieved her. at least she didn't have to try and bring up a subject that would naturally lead to telling them she was pregnant. her original plan had been to casually mention that the elephant at the zoo had just given birth and just as casually mention that she was glad she wasn't an elephant because they were pregnant for so long. and if they didn't catch the hint then she was planning on not saying anything until she brought the baby over to their house for a visit.

"well, mom. i guess everything is okay. but i do have something to tell you guys. ethan doesn't know yet, but..."

"you're leaving him?" her dad asked abruptly. "sofie i know things have been tense between the two of you lately but you can't make these kinds of decisions with him out of the country. it's not right. you need to wait this out and try to work on your marriage when he returns. do you understand me young lady? when you said, 'i do', that was a committment, it's not your clarinet that you can just quit when you get tired of practicing. you've got to stick with it, sofie! do you think your mom and i have gotten through 30 years of marriage without hard times? of course not! but we are committed and you need to take a page out of our book and do the same! now, no more talk about you leaving ethan, understood?"

"uh" sofie blinked in confusion. her dad had a way of making assumptions and running with them. she had to talk fast around him.

"george! you don't know that sofie wants to leave ethan!" her mom exclaimed. "do you want to leave him, sofie?" she asked quickly turning to sofie

"uh..no! no! of course not! i love ethan! i don't want to leave him, dad! i'm having his baby!" sofie blurted out loud enough for the tables around them to hear. several glances and raised eyebrows let her know that she should calm herself down, not to mention lower her voice a few decibels. her mother, on the other hand, did not take the hint.

“eek! My baby is going to have a baby! I’m going to be a grandmother!” sofie’s mother threw her hands and napkin in the air as she threw herself across the table at sofie. “eeek! I’m so happy for you baby! Eeek!”

sofie sat stunned as her mother bounced her up and down in her seat with her arms wrapped so tight around her that she thought she might barf on her right there.

“mom. I’m. getting. Nauseous.” Sofie let out with each bounce and shriek of her mother’s.

“oh, sweetie! I’m so sorry! I’m just so excited for you! Eek! A grandmother!” marie finally stopped bouncing sofie and proceeded to plant several kisses on her cheeks and forehead before finally retrieving her napkin from the couple having lunch behind them and seating herself back in her chair.

“dad? Are you okay? You look a little nauseous yourself.” Sofie was scared that her dad didn’t like the idea of being a grandparent as much as her mom did.

“congratulations, sweetheart. I’m so happy for you.” George said softly. He was looking down at the table while he spoke but when he glanced up at his only daughter, sofie could see the tears gathering in his eyes. He was happy.

And so was she. She had told the truth and it came out all right. A little noisy, but all right. Maybe telling ethan wouldn’t be so hard after all.