the question mark

there's a question mark at the end of this blog's title. i put it there because i'm never sure if what i write is really anything at all. i think that question mark is representative of my fear of failure. i have been able to do well in most things that i put my mind to accomplish. i don't need perfection but i do need to feel successful. and i figure that if i don't know if i can do something well enough to succeed then i won't really do it and therefore won't fail at it.

that's so lame. how very cowardly. but....

lately, success has been hiding from me. i feel like a big fat failure. i feel like everything i put my mind to, create ideas for, have big plans in mind for, hope for, dream about....just plops.

flat.

splat.

so now what? do i "try and try again" or do i get off the dead horse? and how do you know when the horse is dead or only mostly dead??

sigh.

i'm afraid to pursue being a writer with a period at the end instead of a question mark. i'm afraid i'll fail at the one thing...the one very thing i most want to be....besides a world traveler of course.

what if i fail miserably and find out that i really suck and that no one really does want to read what i write? where will that leave me? who will i be? is there another dream inside of me to replace it?

i don't know. but i do know that this dream has been inside of me since i was a child and now that i'm 28 years old i find myself asking "how long am i going to wait?".........how long?

until i'm not afraid to fail anymore? failing hurts. it's really disappointing and embarrassing and even if you fail because of things that are totally out of your control it doesn't matter....you still fail.

can i be happy without success? i don't know.

i do know this. God has not called me to succeed, no matter how much i want to but He has called me to obey....this is encouraging. but has he instructed me to write or is this just something that i wanna do just because? why do i even want to write to begin with?

there's the real question.

so, am i

"a writer?"

or

"a writer."

?