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the decision

should she tell him? what will he say? how could she have let this happen? why did he have to smell so good?

"he'll think you're pressuring him. he'll think you did this on purpose."

sofie pulled herself up from the bathroom floor and tried to compose herself. she looked at her swollen face and red eyes and immediately burst into another fit of tears. how could she take care of a baby when she couldn't even take care of herself?

"if only he didn't smell so good everything would be different right now. i'm not ready for this... maybe he won't even have to know. maybe i can...."

sofie couldn't even finish the thought in her head. that was the last thing she wanted to do and she knew it. it wouldn't fix anything, not really. it would only add another layer to the guilt and shame she already felt. sofie knew that she would have to go through with this whether she wanted to or not. strengthened by her decision, sofie once again looked herself in the mirror, smoothed her wild hair back with her palms and splashed some cold water on her face. she caught a glimpse of the pregnancy test laying on the floor where she had left it when she reached for a hand towel.

"this is for real. the plus sign is still there. i'm going to do this. that's all the decision making i need to make for today."

taking a deep breath and picking up the small blue stick in her hand, sofie walked out of her bathroom and into her new life.

the lie

"sofie? are you okay? you don't look very good?"

"nice, jay. that's a nice thing to say to a pregnant woman whose just puked her guts out for the fourth time today. what do you expect? you want me to keep my lipstick on during my hurling parties?" sofie shot him a quick reply and an evil glance.

"sorry, sweetie. i've never known a pregnant lady before. and i've certainly never worked with one in this business. i think you're crazy for staying, you know that right?"

"yes, jay i know that but it's not like i'm growing money inside of me. it's a baby and babies cost a lot. i have to stay. try to be a little more understanding, allright? now give me my high heels and coffee. we have work to do"

jay helped sofie slide into her heels and handed her the mocha he had picked up for her on his way in. sofie always ordered the same drink, except now it was decaf.

sofie took a sip of her mocha and swore that she could taste the difference between decaf and "the good stuff" as she called it. well, nothing she can do about that now. People were waiting and she was glad to have some distraction from her current state of mind.

"just focus on your work. the nausea will go away and you'll feel better once you're up and moving about. focus, sofie, you need this account."

"good morning, mr. pierce, mr. shore, and mrs. kline. it' so good to finally meet you in person. i'm really looking forward to showing you my designs and getting you exactly what you need."

mrs. kline was the first to notice something wrong with sofie. perhaps it was because she was a woman or simply more perceptive but she began to feel uneasy about walking through the empty warehouse with sofie looking so pale and sick. the poor girl could barely keep herself upright and her assistant jay kept holding her arm as if he was propping her up.

"sofie, perhaps we should sit down over at the conference table in the front. you don't look well, dear. is everything all right?"

"oh! yes, things are perfectly fine. i had a touch of the flu this weekend, that's all. I really want to show you how all the different aspects of my design will work in this space. please, let's continue.
sofie walked away without waiting for a reply and tried to add a little more gusto in her voice and sharpness to her eyes. jay rolled his eyes at her and tried to shoot her a quick "evil eye" but she was purposely avoiding him and his devilish glances.

"why are you lying to these people? if you land this account, they are going to find out eventually when you walk in one day with a basketball under your shirt. just tell them the truth. laugh it off and tell them you feel exhausted and that all you want to do is curl up right here on the cold concrete to take a nap. tell them, sofie! they are church deacons for goodness, sake! tell them!"

sofie quickly turned around to face the three church members and her assitant. they all stopped in their tracks, eyes focused on sofie and wondering what the cause of her abrupt stop could be. sofie smiled and took a deep breath before she began...

"and this is where the pulpit will be," she said dramatically as she swept her hand out in a flowing gesture as if blessing the imaginary congregation that sat enraptured before her.

the foursome slowly turned as if trying to see whatever it was that sofie was so passionate about. and they did.

"sofie. you have the job!" mr. pierce declared as mr. shore and mrs. kline dabbed at the wetness that had pooled on the corners of their eyes. such a moving presentation. such a delightful girl.

the truth

sofie fell into her bed that night. she didn't bother getting undressed. what was the point? she would be awake in a few hours to pee anways. she would change then. right now she needed to sleep as hard and as fast as she could.

two hours later sofie emerged from the bathroom cursing the hamburger she had scarfed for dinner. it was a thick, juicy burger with all the fixings, except tomato, because she couldn't stand the taste of them anymore. she had devoured it like a starving lioness and only stopped to lick her chops once the entire thing was gone. now she regretting every bite. sofie crawled into her bed, still fully dressed and tried to will her stomach to calm down. Abruptly the phone next to her bed rang and she moaned at the sound of it.

"who in the world is calling me now? go away!"

ring! ring! ring!

this person was persistant, that was for sure. sofie slowly reached for the receiver and swallowed before she answered.

"hello?"

"love seat! how are ya, baby!?"

"oh no! why did i pick up?"

"don't call me that, ethan. you know i hate it."

"aw, sofie. don't get mad. don't ya miss me?"

"um, i guess so...where are you?"

"i'm in spain! can you believe it! oh man, sofie, did i wake you? i'm really bad at this whole time zone thing. sorry."

"um, no. i was awake."
I was surrendering my dinner to the toilet because your baby apparently doesn't like beef!

"really? what time is it over there?"

"about 1am"

"oh...are you feeling allright? can't sleep without me?" ethan teased.

"well, actually, ethan there is something that i need to tell you, sweetie." sofie couldn't believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. how could she tell him now? on the phone? while he was in spain!?

"great! there's something i need to tell you too! i'm coming home, love seat! the job is just about done here and then i'm back in good ol' texas with you by the end of the month! and the boss man tells me that i'll be home for at least a year before heading back out to check up on all the progress going on." ethan spurted out excitedly. "what d'ya think?"

"you're coming home?" sofie suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to cry, sob actually. she tried to swallow the lump in her throat but it was too late. the hormonal flood gates had opened and she was powerless against them. he's coming home, he's coming home.

"sofie? are you okay, sweetie?" ethan asked again with growing uncertainty in his voice.

"yes. i've just been a little stressed out lately. i'm so glad to hear that you're finally coming home. these past two months have been....wierd." sofie ended abruptly.

"well i've missed you too, sofie. but i'm coming home soon, okay? everything will get back to normal, don't worry." ethan naively reassured her.

dear god, i only wish for normal! ethan is going to flip out if i tell him now. he things things are going to be normal...he has no idea what our normal is going to turn out to be.

"listen, i'll let you get back to sleep okay? you sound really tired and it sounds like you could use some rest. sorry again for calling so late...i'll try to do better next time, okay?" ethan said.

"sure, okay. i'll talk with you soon. i love you." sofie answered, relieved the conversation was ending.

"i love you too. sweet dreams." ethan said. "oh, sofie...you said you had something to tell me. what was it?"

"i got the account. the one for Faith Community. i'm going to be designing their new church from top to bottom, beginning to end." sofie quickly answered.

"that's great, love seat! i'm so proud of you! that's huge! well we are just full of good news today, aren't we?"

"we're full of it" sofie replied.

"talk to you soon, bye" ethan ended their conversation just in time. sofie found herself lost in thought about the "good news" that she didn't share with her husband of five years.

what are we going to do? he said that kids weren't even something he was thinking about. we had that huge argument before he left and we agreed to forget about the subject and let it happen on it's own. well, ethan, here i am two months pregnant and you're thinking that things are going to be normal when you get home. you'll think i deceived you or something. you'll think that us making up before you left was planned. what are we going to do?

sofie let the tears and thoughts flow freely now and it felt so good to just let everything out. the tears didn't change her situation of course but they somehow freed her from the worry and pressure of the burden she had been carrying. at least for now.

sofie drifted off to sleep sending little prayers to God to take care of the "good news" she was carrying and to soften ethan's heart over the next month.

she slept sound through the night and woke fully dressed feeling like a breath of fresh air had blown over her. she would start telling the truth now.

grandmother and grandfather

on saturday, sofie got into her car and drove straight to her parents house thirty minutes away. she had called her mom earlier in the week and made plans to meet them for brunch and some shopping. sofie planned to tell them about her little surprise sometime during their time together. she only slighty hesitated when she thought about how ethan wouldn't be the first or even second person to know about the baby, but he was away and she refused to tell him over the phone. besides, she needed the practice telling as many people as she could before he came home. she wanted to be prepared.

sofie pulled into her parents driveway of their beach house and sat for a few seconds remembering all the times she had walked up to that front door. her parents had lived in the same house for as long as she could remember. they have a picture proudly displayed on the mantle of sofie's first day of kindergarten standing in front of the house with her sack lunch in one hand and waving at the camera with the other. there are other pictures too. a junior high band concert with her at the front door pretending to play her clarinet. senior prom with her sequin dress and out of date hair style. graduation day with her cap and gown. the day she went to college. the day she got married. sofie wondered if they would want to take a picture of her standing in front of the door today after she told them her news. sofie with one hand on her barely showing stomach and one hand over her mouth pretending to hold back the nausea. she halfway smiled at that thought and got out of her car to meet her parents.

"may i take your order, maam?" the waiter asked for the third time.

sofie could not make a decision. everything sounded good at first but then the thought of food would make her queasy and she would change her mind. the waiter was being less than patient with her.

"sofie, please make a decision. get a hamburger." her dad suggested.

a hamburger. gross. sofie thought of the burger that she had the week before and the havok it had wreaked on her.

"no thanks. i think i'll just have a salad, with italian dressing on the side" sofie quickly decided

"great choice. a salad." the waiter responded dryly

"sofie, you never have trouble deciding what to eat. you're always so famished!" her mother leaned forward over the table and looked in her eyes. "is everything okay? you don't seem yourself." she nearly whispered

“oh marie. Leave the girl alone, she’s just having trouble deciding what to eat. How can you read into that?” sofie’s dad rolled his eyes and grabbed for another slice of complimentary bread.

but sofie knew her mother had seen something in her eyes. she always could look into sofie's eyes and know whether something was wrong. this gift had annoyed sofie as a teenager but now it almost relieved her. at least she didn't have to try and bring up a subject that would naturally lead to telling them she was pregnant. her original plan had been to casually mention that the elephant at the zoo had just given birth and just as casually mention that she was glad she wasn't an elephant because they were pregnant for so long. and if they didn't catch the hint then she was planning on not saying anything until she brought the baby over to their house for a visit.

"well, mom. i guess everything is okay. but i do have something to tell you guys. ethan doesn't know yet, but..."

"you're leaving him?" her dad asked abruptly. "sofie i know things have been tense between the two of you lately but you can't make these kinds of decisions with him out of the country. it's not right. you need to wait this out and try to work on your marriage when he returns. do you understand me young lady? when you said, 'i do', that was a committment, it's not your clarinet that you can just quit when you get tired of practicing. you've got to stick with it, sofie! do you think your mom and i have gotten through 30 years of marriage without hard times? of course not! but we are committed and you need to take a page out of our book and do the same! now, no more talk about you leaving ethan, understood?"

"uh" sofie blinked in confusion. her dad had a way of making assumptions and running with them. she had to talk fast around him.

"george! you don't know that sofie wants to leave ethan!" her mom exclaimed. "do you want to leave him, sofie?" she asked quickly turning to sofie

"uh..no! no! of course not! i love ethan! i don't want to leave him, dad! i'm having his baby!" sofie blurted out loud enough for the tables around them to hear. several glances and raised eyebrows let her know that she should calm herself down, not to mention lower her voice a few decibels. her mother, on the other hand, did not take the hint.

“eek! My baby is going to have a baby! I’m going to be a grandmother!” sofie’s mother threw her hands and napkin in the air as she threw herself across the table at sofie. “eeek! I’m so happy for you baby! Eeek!”

sofie sat stunned as her mother bounced her up and down in her seat with her arms wrapped so tight around her that she thought she might barf on her right there.

“mom. I’m. getting. Nauseous.” Sofie let out with each bounce and shriek of her mother’s.

“oh, sweetie! I’m so sorry! I’m just so excited for you! Eek! A grandmother!” marie finally stopped bouncing sofie and proceeded to plant several kisses on her cheeks and forehead before finally retrieving her napkin from the couple having lunch behind them and seating herself back in her chair.

“dad? Are you okay? You look a little nauseous yourself.” Sofie was scared that her dad didn’t like the idea of being a grandparent as much as her mom did.

“congratulations, sweetheart. I’m so happy for you.” George said softly. He was looking down at the table while he spoke but when he glanced up at his only daughter, sofie could see the tears gathering in his eyes. He was happy.

And so was she. She had told the truth and it came out all right. A little noisy, but all right. Maybe telling ethan wouldn’t be so hard after all.

i feel like writing today..

but what to write?

story ideas:

Joe goes to school....everything is ready, his supplies, new clothes, new backpack....everything is ready, except for Joe

The Day my big brother disappeared......jason wakes up and goes looking for Joe his big brother,..he's not in his room, he's not in the playroom, he's not in the bathroom..."where is my big brother!?" ...jason goes downstairs, Joe's not in the living room, not in the kitchen and he's not outside playing with the dog...."Where is my big brother!? What happened to my big brother!??"

Matty the Maginificent! - mattey is talking but no one is listening!...mattey talks to animals and bugs, books and dolls and even his food. they understand him but grown ups can't hear all the magnificent things mattey is saying!

Children's Book Contest Entry

Here is my entry for an illustrated children's book contest. You have to imagine the pictures for yourself.

This Isn't A Story

This isn't a story.
So you better stop reading.

Nothing happens and
there's nothing here to see.

So you better stop reading.

There are no circus clowns with big floppy hats
playing hopscotch with giant ladybugs and teeny tiny ants.

So you better stop reading.

There are no purple airplanes flying loop-dee-loops in the sky
with hungry elephants and hippos watching nearby.

So you better stop reading.

There are no pizza slices piled high on a plate
with ice cream and bubblegum toppings for you to taste.

So you better stop reading.

There are no toy stores with rockets and cars and games and dolls
all free for kids but not adults.

So you better stop reading.

There are no oceans of pink lemonade
with pandas surfing and monkeys snorkeling beneath the waves.

So you better stop reading.

There are no circus clowns or purple airplanes
There are no pizza slices or toy stores full of games
There are no oceans of pink lemonade
So why are you still reading?

I told you this wasn't a story
And this isn't the end.

a little rejection...a little encouragement

so neither of my guys won the contest...bummer

got some great words of encouragement from a friend today...thanks!

i wanted to try and write something sinister...

a dark man silently glided into the dim lit room, his head shrouded in darkness, his eyes gleaming with evil intent. the woman sat in her armchair staring straight ahead at the black-clad figure that entered her room. She stood silently, defiantly, daring him to continue. He strode across the hardwood floor, quickly narrowing the distance between them, never hesistating for a second as he drove himself closer to her. She squared her shoulders as he drew within feet of her body. She opened her mouth in terror as his massive hands threw themselves toward her neck. She fastened her eyes shut and yelled out in triumph, "Jesus!".....the man was gone.

but always with a happy ending! :)

an essay

I entered my dad and sam into this Father's Day Contest the newspaper was running. I hope one of them wins! The prizes are pretty good and either one of them deserves it very much.
Here are my entries:

For Sam (He's only been a dad for 8 months so his is shorter...but still meaningful! :)
My husband is the greatest dad in the Bay Area. We have an 8-month old who is full of personality and spunk and my husband is always there to play with him and love on him. When baby goes down for the night, my husband faithfully gets up to feed, comfort or change our little one. Every night, without fail. My husband works hard to provide for us and is already showing our son how to care for a family, love his wife and have strong faith. I'm so proud of my husband and I know that our little boy has the greatest dad ever!

For My Dad
My dad is the greatest dad in the Bay Area! He and my mom have raised two girls, have two teenage boys at home and are adopting a five year old little girl. As a pastor, my dad is a father figure to many people in the community but most importantly he is always there for his own kids. Our faith in God is strengthened because we know that our dad practices what he preaches and that he is the same person on Sunday mornings as he is at home on a Friday night. Whenever we need him, he is always there. He always puts his family first and lets us know that we are most important to him. My dad does whatever it takes to provide for his family and makes sure that we are all well taken care of. Even though us girls have married, he still looks after us making sure we are treated like queens. He plays video games and goes camping with my brothers. He built a playground for his adopted daughter and watches movies with her. He encourages all of us daily to pursue our dreams and do our best. My dad is #1.

my favorite thing is how I say that sam is the greatest dad in the Bay Area and also that my dad is the greatest dad in the Bay Area....kinda funny.

based on a true story

Apartment 22F. Petite with long brown hair and dark brown eyes, Lea watched the world around her, taking everything in. from the school yard to the neighborhood to the saga swirling around her at home. She watched carefully taking note of how people behaved, in deceit, in selfishness, in lust and in greed. She watched with a growing sense of determination to be something different.
Not someone like her dad…his angry spells were frightening and his heavy drinking turned him into a person she didn’t like. The fighting was terrible to watch but the begging was unbearable. He begged everyone for money, even her. She tried to hide from him every time he came home in a drunken stupor hoping to avoid the scene he would make. He would tell her he loved her, give her kisses and hugs and then ask her for money. She knew better than that. She wasn’t fooled by his false confessions of fatherly affection. Dad was drunk and would say anything to sink further into his drunken euphoria. Besides, what money did she have to give? She was only eight. And even if she did have some, she knew better than to hand it over to him. She knew exactly what he would do with it. She knew that if he got what he wanted his pitiful cycle would only continue to spin out of control until it destroyed them all. Momma made sure she kept Lea safe and alert to the attempts of her drunken father. Momma handled the dirty stuff on her own and didn’t need anyone’s help standing her ground against Dad. Sometimes Lea wasn’t sure if Momma was really making things better at all. When their words got louder and voices began to shake with anger, Lea’s stomach would begin to sink lower into her body until she was sure she would either puke or fall to the floor from the terrible nausea. But Momma knew how to hold her ground and hold it she did. Whether she held it with a frying pan poised in her hand and ready to be launched across the room at Dad or whether she held it with her hands on her hips, Momma was a formidable match..
But Momma also had a softer side, like all mommas do. Momma knew how to comfort her little ones and make them feel safe. Momma trusted God to take care of all of them and encouraged Lea to speak with God on a regular basis. Dad said he was a Catholic and Momma said the same thing too, but one day Momma took Lea aside and told her that if she ever wanted to talk with God she didn’t have to go to a priest to do it. If she needed to confess, she could speak directly with God Himself and He would hear her. By the tone in Momma’s voice and the look in her eyes, Lea knew she was right. Whenever Momma would send her to the corner store to buy something for dinner Lea would walk and talk to God, telling Him her dreams, confessing her innocent sins and asking Him for His help. Lea knew He could hear her, she felt Him walking next to her, protecting her from strangers eyes and whispering encouragement into her ear.
Lea would be different from Dad and even from Momma. She would break the cycle of painful addiction and would never give in to its appealing temptations and glittering fun. Lea wouldn’t marry someone like Dad either. She wouldn’t be like Momma having to deal with outbursts, drunken greed, stupid addictions or the lack of a real provider for her and her children. Lea would be different from Momma too.
Day after day Lea would dream of a life where she had everything she needed, new clothes instead of hand-me-downs, food from restaurants instead of the staples given to them by the government. She dreamed of a house with a front porch, a flower garden and an excessively large backyard where her children could play safely instead of being subjected to always wondering if they were on someone else’s “turf”. Lea imagined driving a car with room for everyone instead of having to sit them on each other’s laps and even on the floorboards of the car. Lea would travel the world and would even travel in an airplane someday. She would stay in hotels and order room service. She would leave the oppressive community of government housing and break free from it’s claims on her life. She would be different!

To be continued….

in the beginning...

So here's the start of my continuing pursuit to consistently write something that will hopefully turn into the great american novel...or just something good to read that people enjoy. Writing is like opening up your brain and heart for everyone to look at, poke and prod, analyze and criticize, complement and enjoy and maybe, just maybe they will love what they see and come back for more.

No big words, no complicated story lines. Just my perspective on life told in my unique way of expression. Sometimes the stories will be funny because lots of funny things happen. Sometimes they will be sad and deeply personal because that stuff happens too. And probably sometimes they will be boring because something doesn't happen every day...or maybe it does.

Questions, comments, words of wisdom?