standing on my knees

the warriors fall around me
they crumble one by one

those i thought were holy
have given in to sin

the sin that takes us all
unnoticed at first

we let it
pull us ever so slowly
up to our feet

and there we stand high above the rest
above those meant to help us
when enticement is at it's best

above the body of believers
whose friendship we avoid

in seclusion we stand tall
and make ourselves vulnerable
with our pride

God help me
to stand on my knees
with head bowed and
will surrendered

arm in arm with those around me
huddled close when temptation's winds blow

God help me
to stand on my knees
with brokenness as my shield

with compassion for those who fall
and humility in knowing
that you are keeping me broken

to keep me safe

edp
*******************
recently i have been hit with the news of not one but two friends of mine...one a pastor, the other a teacher, who have fallen. my heart is truly broken as i face this scenario time and time again. my prayers for them and their families are full of unspoken words that i cannot express. my prayers for myself and my family are full of repentance. may God keep me humble and may God restore those that have fallen. His grace is able.

the beginning of a romantic tragedy? or maybe a true love story?

she was holding his imagination hostage. she filled his every thought. his mind was not his own and her face appeared even with his every blink. he tried to occupy his days with work and distractions meant to require his full attention. but they never helped. he would find himself standing in the middle of the room, immersed in deep thoughts of her laugh and smile and the way her lips curled ever so slightly when she was amused. he loved that look and he loved it even more when he was the one who put it there.

he sighed heavily and sat down for a moment. he may never see that smile again. he rubbed his temples with his hand as he thought of their last moments together. she was so jubilant to receive her acceptance to the university and he was happy for her, he truly was. but he was full of sorrow and regret for himself. he hadn't spoken up when the time was right. he hadn't told her how her presence lifted his soul to a place of total happiness and he felt his brightest and best every time she was near. he felt brave when he approached her to speak and felt like a chivalrous knight each time he offered his assistance.

he never told her that. he simply wished her well and promised to write. but he never did that either. in the four years since he had last seen her he had never sent her a letter. she sent him plenty of letters in the beginning and he savored each one but his attempts to reply always faltered. he couldn't get through a single paragraph without wishing he could write about how fiercely he loved her and wanted her to return to him immediately. but she was not his to make such demands upon and this angered him more than anything. he sunk further and further into self-loathing thoughts until he crumpled each letter up and threw it into the fire.

and now she was finally coming home.

familiar

where did it all go wrong?
when did things change?
how did i mess up and become so ashamed?

my thoughts have turned and i'm not the same

i can barely remember who i was back then

but something remains
small but alive
it stirs me at night
and won't go away when i close my eyes

it speaks of restoration
peace and hope
but i'm afraid of the pain i know will come

the ripping away of who i've become
the shedding of this tight skin i've put on

each layer will be torn with gentle strong hands
breaking and healing all at once

but my pride pushes
the life away and forces
me to accept
the person i am

the person i am not

the girl

sometimes she couldn't sleep. she'd lay with eyes open letting her imagination flow freely across the world of possibility. what should she do? where should she go? who should she be?

she could be anyone she wanted. she could be mysterious and withdrawn or outgoing and confident. she could reinvent herself depending on the environment around her and the people she watched. the very thought of being someone new gave her excited chills and brought a hint of a smile to her lips.

she could get rid of the girl that she was now and be the girl she has always wanted to be. she could be better and smarter and sexier now. she could dye the gray hairs creeping over her curly locks and start losing that weight she promised herself she was going to get rid of for good this time.

people in a new town wouldn't know who she used to be. they would think she was always this fantastic and they would fall in love with her right away. not like the people here. they were used to her. they watched her journey from fantastic to her current state of boring and it was unlikely they were going to be much of a captive audience for her return trip. actually they were the ones keeping her boring. they were boring and had brought her down to their world of beige. every now and then she'd try to break free, but their comments and veiled criticisms of her attempts at beauty would push her back down to her real world with it's mid-rise bluejeans and tennis shoes. she'd pull her t-shirt out of her drawer the next day and wash the beauty from her hair.

ponytails were all she wore now. ponytails and t-shirts. she hated to be this girl. the sadness of her thoughts slowly pushed her into her sleep as she worried if she would forever be held captive to the deadness that she had become...no matter where she went.