tangible

i'd like to own a typewriter. i'd like to see the actual physical, tangible words appear right in front of me on a crisp clean piece of paper instead of a screen...but it would have to be a vintage typewriter in order to have just the right affect and inspiration i'm seeking. :)

the reason? I like to have tangible evidence of my accomplishments no matter how small they are. i can point to something and say "this is what i did today"....i cleaned this, i baked this, i sent these emails, made these scarves, taught my kids this, updated this website, made these plans.......and when I look back on my day and can't point to something tangible..it messes with me. It makes me feel useless, my self esteem is somehow all tied up in the act of "doing" things. i don't think this is how it's supposed to be. okay i know deep down inside that this is definitely not how it's supposed to be. however, i don't know how to be any other type of person but the one i am...the one i've become, the one i'm comfortable with. i am task oriented....i am comfortable with that.

enter: bed rest. I have seven more weeks of "don't do anything!" stretched out before me and although I don't think the baby will wait that long to come out, I still have to consider the possibility. last week was hard but I was in the hospital so I couldn't really do much if I wanted to, but this week, at home, amid all the things to do and people to care for and events to plan and shopping that needs to be done....I find myself lost.

my self esteem is dropping at record speed. my purpose is no longer "to do" but "to not do"....my sister bought me a book Tuesdays with Morrie. Morrie has some perspective for me...he says "the most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love and to let it come in" for me..giving love has always been giving something tangible....a gift, a meal, an act of service, a clean house, planning or making something special..."doing" something for those I love. but now that I am forced to "not do"....I find myself wondering how I can give out love.

I do recognize that in the grand scheme of things, these few short weeks of my life are going to play a vital role in who I end up becoming for the rest of my life. God is teaching me something through this and I want to learn it......I want to know who I am without relying on my accomplishments to tell me.

He's telling me....

quietly for now.....telling me that there's more that He wants me to know about who He created me to truly be. I trust He'll help me find the answers I am looking for. He always has. He always will....because He knows how to give me love...I just have to let it come in........